Meet Alex

This post has been one that I've wanted to write for a while, but have not found the time to do so, or the right words. I have such fond memories of my little Alex, but also very tearful memories. Tears out of longing to hold my baby boy one more time and missing him so incredibly much, but also tears knowing that he is with the One who loves him more than I can (which to anyone who has ever had children knows is an awful lot).

From our very first ultrasound, we knew that our baby A, Alex, was an active little boy. The doctors told us that he was hyperactive because of his brain's exposure to the amniotic fluid, but we knew that he was just our sweet and active little boy. That was who he was. A mover, a jumper, and a KICKER. That boy would kick my cervix so hard at times that I would have my breath taken away. But I cherished every movement. 

We also knew that Alex was stubborn. He never wanted to show us his head during ultrasounds. The ultrasound sound techs would always tell me how low he was (like I needed anyone to tell me how low my baby was...helloooooo cervical pressure, am I right?!). He always had his hands up and would bury himself so deep down that we hardly had any pictures of his face and head. I thought that perhaps the reason why he was hiding was that God was healing him and that it would be a surprise at birth, but sadly for us, God had other plans for Alex. Later I think I realized that Alex was putting his hands up and hiding his head to tell us that he was more than his condition. He was more than a fetus with anencephaly. He was our son. And he was beautiful.

 At times it was difficult dealing with the doctors because they could be so blunt. At one appointment, Chase and I caught a rare glimpse at Alex's face. The ultrasound tech was pointing out his features when she mentioned his clef lip which was news to us. She immediately apologized to us for so blatantly pointing it out because to her it was another negative condition, but to us it was another beautiful thing about our son. When I asked further about his clef lip, she told me that the doctor would be in to talk to us about it. The doctor talked to us a little about his clef lip, but literally told us that they were only concerned with baby B and monitoring his condition. Alex's condition, his stability, didn't matter as long as it didn't put Sam in danger. This was our reality. 

A harsh but true reality, and we knew and accepted it. The doctors told us that it was unlikely that Alex would make it to birth, and if he did, that he would most likely be born still. But Alex defied their expectations and even gave a big strong kick after he was delivered. 

Alexander Nolan McGarity was delivered via caesarian section on February 19, 2015 at 12:15 p.m. He didn't cry once he was born, which was one of the hardest things for me. I had asked the doctors what we could expect regarding his behavior. Would he be able to see or hear us? Could he breath on his own? Would he move? Would he feel pain? They told us there was no way to tell depending on the extent of his brain deterioration. We decided that no matter what, we would just hold and love Alex however long he was with us. And that is exactly what we did.

Chase will tell people how strong he thinks I have been through all of this, but truly he is the strong one. I had no idea how hard Alex's death had been on him until I received our birth pictures. His face says it all. The joy he felt when he held him for the first time, the heartbreak he felt watching his firstborn son knowing that he would not be able to keep him. And the sorrow he felt knowing that Alex was no longer here with us. He never left his side. He saw him from the moment he entered the world and gave his first and last movement, and held him for the last time when he handed him to me before his heart beat for the last time. I have never loved him more than in these moments.

As hard as Alex's death has been, I take comfort in knowing that Alex was lovingly welcomed into Heaven shortly after his birth and had a peaceful and easy transition. I truly have a peace that passes understanding that I can only give God credit for. I don't know why we couldn't keep Alex with us, and I will never know why. But I do know that God still loves us. God still cares for us. God is still for us. It hasn't been easy to regain my trust in God, and I won't say that our relationship is back to what is was before my pregnancy, but I pray throughout my doubt and mistrust. I pray and keep on believing that God is who He says He is and I focus on the ways God has blessed me. I used to think that God gave us two boys and took one back, but Chase explained another view to me that he had about our boys. He told me that he thought God knew that Alex was not going to be able to stay with us for very long, and because of that he gave us Sam to help us through everything. I choose to focus on the joy of our boys instead of the sadness and on my faith instead of my doubts.

A few verses have truly helped me through this difficult time and I'd like to share them below in the hopes that you might gain strength and endurance through your troubles and challenges. 

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge him, and he will direct your path." Proverbs 3:5-6

"You chart the path ahead of me and tell me where to stop and rest. Every moment you know where I am...You both precede and follow me. You place your hand of blessing on my head." Psalm 139:3,5

"Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord is the one who goes before you. He will be with you; he will neither fail you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:8

"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword?" Romans 8:35

"You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in a bottle. You have recorded each one in your book." Psalm 56:8

"Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1

"But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who have faith and preserve their souls." Hebrews 10:39

"Be cheerful no matter what; pray all the time; thank God no matter what happens." 1 Thessalonians 5:16

"Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life." Philippians 4:6-7

"Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am." Philippians 4:13

Thank you for reading. All of these pictures were taken by Tammy William of tammywilliamsphotography.com They were also so amazingly paid for by my coworkers who were so sweet to have a bake sale, chili lunch, and dress down day all so that Chase and I could have these memories. Without their help, none of these pictures would have been possible. So thank you again.

- Courtney